This week I spent Tuesday afternoon coaching women writers at the Women’s Prize Live event. I loved meeting them all, they were, to a woman, smart, funny, open, creative and curious. And yet, over and over the words that were wrapped tight around the lives of these amazing women, stifling their creativity, were guilt and self-doubt.
I don’t usually see so many clients back-to-back so although I recognised that these words have come up for EVERY SINGLE WOMAN I have coached, I have never experienced it in one massive download before. I have never felt it, like I felt it on Tuesday. About half-way through the sessions I could feel a rising anger. An anger that so many women have no idea how bloody brilliant they are, that despite juggling an, often, overwhelming amount of life stuff they still don’t think that it is enough. Far too often the thought of taking some time away from being a mum, a daughter, a wife, an employee, an employer and whatever other roles we put first, induces a crippling amount of guilt. Because it’s selfish to do something purely for ourselves, isn’t it?
On the train home I scribbled in my notebook so I wouldn’t forget how I’d felt:
Why, as women, do we never feel like we do enough? Like we are enough?
Why is taking time to do something just for ourselves selfish when we happily allow our partners or children to spend a weekend playing sport, tinkering with a motorbike, or any number of hobbies that contribute nothing to the family but make them happy?
How do we stop this?
There is no silver bullet. Thousands of years of social conditioning have brought us to this place. And it’s not about having it all, that’s another nonsense that adds to The Things We Must Achieve. It’s about making choices to do one thing over another, choosing a thing that is just for us and then giving ourselves permission to enjoy doing it. It’s hard and it takes practise, but ‘I’m just popping upstairs to write for an hour’ should be just as normal in our households as ‘I’m off to the garage to polish my bike for a bit.’ Wouldn’t that be liberating? Imagine all those new voices that would be out there in the world.
Thank you to each and every one of you that sat before me this week and told me something of who you are. I hope in return I have helped you to start believing you can be what you want.
You are allowed to pursue something just because you want to.
You are already enough.